Braids and Wrenches
by TallerThanThou ShorterThanThou
Summary: We all love Edward Elric's lush, hot hair. What we don't know is the horror behind the beautiful golden locks. Secretly, behind the back of its cute owner, the braid of Edward Elric is plotting rebellion. T for Eddie-Weddie's potty mouth.
1. It Started With the Roof

One Edward Elric was sitting on the roof, taking his time to draw the alchemy circle. Why? Because, ever since the gate had taken all his knowledge of alchemy, he'd had to learn it over again. Still, he was able to make a full recovery; almost. The only thing he couldn't do was abandon the use of transmutation circles, something he was slightly bitter about. The teeter totter was tilting in Alphonse's favor. Smiling slightly, he slammed his hands on the roof, and it was as good as new.

"Winry, I fixed it!" he called. A very pregnant Winry waddled out of their house, huffing.

"YOU'RE LATE FOR DINNER!" she screamed. Edward was confused, since it was only three, and dinner was at five. When he tried to explain, his darling beloved threw her wrench at him. Luckily, he dodged it while still sitting. It struck a hole in the straw roof. Sighing, he tried to stand up, only to discover that his braid was caught by the wrench and nailed to the roof. Unfortunately for him, he discovered it too late and was still in shock when he began falling backwards due to the slope of the roof and the braid.

He ended up falling off the roof and unto the grass. Luckily the roof wasn't too high so he only broke his arm.

"Dear, are you _sure_ that your braid isn't plotting rebellion against you?" Winry asked as she served stew. Edward frowned. Truth be told, this wasn't the first of the many accidents involving his braid. Each and every one of them seemed to end with him almost breaking his neck.

"No," he said.

"Then why don't you _cut_ it?" Winry asked, exasperated. Unwittingly, his fingers found his braid and he began to stroke it, cooing to it.

"NO!" he shouted in alarm. What he didn't notice was his braid curling slightly around his neck as if to strangle him.

Poor deluded soul. One day, that damned braid will kill him.

And that was how it began; the war between Winry, and Edward's evil braid.

A/N: LOL, right? We just had to do it. Yeah, we're evil.

Parody Thingy:

Winry: Ed, your hair's longer than mine! It's ridiculous!

Edward: No it's not! And I look better with long hair!

The Eville Pie: You know, you sound like Demon-Pixie when her mom tries to give her a haircut.

Edward: NO I DO NOT!

Demon-Pixie: Under the rule of number three and thirty, we are hereby ordered to silence one Fullmetal Alchemist, AKA Edward Elric forever. May he rest in peace with his androgynous beauty. *leaps forward and strangles him*

The Eville Pie: Winry, pass the popcorn.


	2. The Kid

The next time disaster occurred in the Elric/Rockbell household was when Frederick Caleb Elric was born; a healthy eight pound 5 ounces baby. Edward had been too wrapped up in celebrating to realize that his braid was cutting into his neck. Over the course of the years, it had grown down to his waist. It was rather ridiculous; even when tied up; it was longer than Winry's hair. No matter how much his desperate wife tried to cut it, it would always grow back in an insanely short amount of time. Edward was always too busy being happy to notice the amount of time it took.

Startled at the braid's sudden movement, Winry put Fred back in his rocker and grabbed her trusty wrench. She attempted to hit the braid. Attempted is a keyword; instead, the airborne weapon knocked her husband unconscious. Her consolation was that the cursed lush hair fell still as well.

Far too used to it to be daunted, she returned to her bed and went to sleep.

Poor Winry Elric; if only she knew that that was one of the last times she would ever sleep peacefully.

A/N: So, do ya like? Do ya hate? Review and tell!

Parody Thingy:

Demon-Pixie: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Edward: What?

Demon-Pixie: Pie and me had this cosplay thing with a group; we did Naruto and Bleach.

Edward: And?

Demon-Pixie: Pie was Temari and Yachiru.

Edward: I don't see the funny thing.

Demon-Pixie: The guy who played Kenpachi really annoyed her, and being Pie, she really did climb up to his shoulder.

Edward:…

Demon-Pixie: Right. Anyways, she was taller than the Kenpachi guy, and he collapsed. Then the Ikkaku guy joked that it was because she was fat, so she really did spit on him and called him a pinball.

Edward: I knew she'd lost her mind.

Demon-Pixie: Yup! And when she was Temari, she accidentally poked herself in the eye with her fan when she tripped over her dress.

Pie:…Pixie, if you want to run, I can give you a five second head start…*growls*

Demon-Pixie: Can I get ten? You're in track so it's no fair

Pie: I'll give you twenty then.

Demon-Pixie: Thanks!

Both: *engaged in a cat and mouse game of trying to kill each other*

Edward: Um, hello? Seriously? I'm still here!


	3. Happy Birthday

The third Incident was at Edward's 30th birthday party, also the Elric couple's 5 and ½'s anniversary.

"Make a wish, Ed dear!" Winry called happily. The Braid had kept its peace on its owner's special day, perhaps sensing that even it would be condemned if it so much as endeavored to spoil it. Though only four and three years old respectively, Frederick and Allison knew enough to gag.

"Rude kids," the now ancient Pinako muttered. Cowed, the two toddlers hid behind their uncle, Alphonse's back.

"Yeah, Nii-san. Or are you still too short—"

Spurred by the magic words, Ed blew out the candles in one breath.

"Yay!" he cheered.

"Old," muttered the now 43 year old Roy Mustang, his left arm around Riza. Said blonde scowled at her immature husband and reached for her .45.

"What did you wish for?"

No one ever remembered who asked the question, for the next moment, the braid begun to convulse horribly. 'Hee he he,' it seemed to cackle as it laced tightly around Edward's muscled neck. Desperate, Mustang picked up a candle from the raspberry cake and launched it into his friend's hair. Despite the long years, his affinity for fire was not lost. In fact, Mustang would venture as far as to say that he'd build up even more of a tendency to be a pyromaniac. So when the Fuhrer snapped his fingers, Edward's sexy, lush hair was lost.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Edward cried.

"It's okay Daddy," Allison warbled.

"Yeah, Daddy," Frederick soothed. There was no response from the shuddering red lump that was once a proud man.

"Is uncle okay?" LiLing asked uncertainly. Mei ducked behind the tablecloth to hide her laughter.

"Your uncle is suffering what we can call a severe blow to his ego," Alphonse replied. LiLing blinked.

"What's an ego?"

"Why don't you go ask the murderer?" Edward sobbed, pointing a trembling finger melodramatically at Mustang.

"What a girl," Mustang seemed to mutter.

"MUARWDEARDER!"

"Security. Yes, it's the Fuhrer. Could you please apprehend…"

A/N: OMG, poor Eddie-Weddie!

Pie: Gods, there's not enough crack out there about Ed's braid…

Demon-Pixie: Sheesh, like you can talk. Ed's hair's longer than yours…

Pie: It's longer than yours too…damned hobbit.

Demon-Pixie: WHAT WAS THAT—nevermind. *twitch* You would do well to remember that it was YOUR cousin that chopped it off with a pair of rusty kitchen scissors after you taught him to play 'scissor tag'!

Pie: Come on, it's the same pair that _I_ cut my hair with! You have to admit, I do a good job!

Demon-Pixie: But my hair! My beautiful red hair!

Edward: *joins in* MY BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HAIR!

Pie: Winry…can I borrow that customized chromium wrench that you've been bragging about?

Winry: As long as I can borrow that Masamune you're holding.

Both: *Grins evilly*


	4. Supervillain Powers

"Freddie, what are you doing?" Allison said, kneeling down besides her brother. Frederick, now eight and extremely rebellious, said nothing. Instead, he focused his attention on their parents.

"Freddie!" Allison whined. Clamping a chubby hand over her mouth, Frederick drew a piece of chalk out of his jeans. Scrambling to find an even bit of road, he drew an alchemy circle, all the while laughing with Satanic glee.

"When did you learn alchemy?" Allie grouched, jealous. Again, there was no reply, only the same maniac look in her brother's golden eyes. It was then she knew something was wrong, but she didn't know _what_. It's probably just Freddie up to something again, she thought. As she watched, Freddie placed his hands on one of the almost-Celtic markings and cackled.

"Hee-hee-hee!" Freddie cackled, and Allison felt a shudder run up her spine. She was sure she'd heard that particular cackle before—a sound filled with malice, a sound that she'd heard before…when? But that question was wiped out of her mind—everything was wiped clean at the sight before her.

As she watched, her mother's hair shortened and transferred to her Father's head, the hue turning a rich gold. A flash of violet light later, and a braid once again hung from Edward's head, while Winry's now supported a short bob.

However, there was no time to ponder what had happened, because she'd remembered where she'd heard that cackle before. It had been her Dad's 30th birthday, the day that he'd gone temporarily bald.

_-Mom, _she'd said, _Mom. Why did Uncle Flamehead blow up Dad's hair?_

There had been a long silence.

_-You see, Ally, Dad's hair has a soul of its own. I don't know what powers it had, but it's sole purpose is to kill Dad. _

And before her eyes, the braid curled tightly around Edward's neck like—well, like evil hair that was trying to do its owner in.

A loud _thunk_ later, and a wrench was buried in Edward's head. All assembled heaved a sigh of relief, and Frederick was never allowed anywhere near Edward's hairbrush again, where Winry believed he'd picked up the soul of the Braid and been possessed.

Still, a troubling revelation lay before Winry; the Braid could now enlist others to do its bidding. In the Elric house, no one was safe. If only life were simple like mechanics, the uniform smell of oil, the alignment of steel and screws, the right addition of chromium to prevent rust…

Alas, it would not be so.

Well, Winry sighed. At least her husband somehow managed to not look like a hobo with long hair.

A/N: We're back! Thanks to all who reviewed; you have been a great inspiration to us.

Demon-Pixie: Is it just me, or are we really laying it on thick with the killer last lines?

Pie: I'm trying to lay it on thick.

Winry: So, do I win?

Pie: (shifty eyes) Maybe. It'll be a lifelong battle for you.

Demon-Pixie: Puh-leez. Like she'd kill her favorite character—

Winry: THANK YOU!

Demon-Pixie: Without the proper humor and setting.

Pie: I think you should run now, Pixie. While you still can, that is. (dark look)

Demon-Pixie: (scared) Y-yeah, you're right.

Winry: Don't worry, hun. Murder's a capital offence, but torture's only a felony!

Demon-Pixie: (screams)


End file.
